Tuesday, May 24, 2016

A Moderately Depressing State of Existence & Message from the Summit at the Top of the Peak

Who says we have to be or do anything in particular in life? Culture? Society? Our families or friends? Lately, all I want to do is sleep. It seems like I'm much happier in the dream world than in the physical one.

The older and more experienced in converting oxygen into carbon dioxide I become, the more I feel. I have, sometimes overwhelming, empathy for people in my life. I remember a couple years ago I was at a Walmart and saw a woman sitting on a bench at the front of the store. It seemed like she had some sort of mental disability but that might have just been me misinterpreting what I was feeling. The look in her eyes was pure fear. Fear and loneliness and confusion. Even typing that sentence, remembering her concerned expression fills my heart with anxiety and fear.

Sometimes, I don't want to feel. Does that make me selfish? I want to stare at the back of my eyelids in a dark room, or lying down in the shower as the water flows over my skin. I want to watch the cosmic light show and whirling faces flying past me, communicating with me. What is their message? What are they trying to show me? And why?

I know my subconscious mind understands the answer. The encrypted message my higher self is streaming into my reality is important, and maybe not just to me.  They want to communicate through me, with me.

I don't think I should keep their message to myself anymore.

Monday, August 4, 2014

More Stress

I still don't have a lease on the restaurant. It's starting to freak me out a little bit because it's taking way longer than I thought it would. However, I know that I won't get one until I finish what I need to get done with Winston. I know he will keep his word and give me the lease once I've finished his projects.

So, Matt is no longer staying at my family's house with me. The plan was for him to stay there with me until the restaurant was open and we found an apartment together downtown. The reason he's not there anymore is because he and my mom don't get along. They got into an argument, mainly because he was tired of hearing my mom yell at me about everything, but I get it, she was stressed out... Anyway, I brought him up to one of our mutual friends' houses in Bethany, MO about an hour away and he stayed there with her and her family for a week. It was really nice of her but towards the end of the week he could stay there anymore from a lack of sleep. He's got really bad allergies and be around too many pets for too long before his skin turns into one big rash and his sinuses swell from congestion. We had disused trying to get him to Mid-Missouri to spend some time with his family and his ex's family, which he was a part of for ten years, but we hadn't come up with an actual plan yet.

So yesterday I don't hear from him all day and initially thought he had just fallen asleep which made me happy, but when I didn't hear from him by three I text messaged Jaimee, our friend, and asked if they were all okay. She said she wasn't sure and hadn't heard from Matt yet and didn't know if they had made it there safely or not. ... Made it where safely? He didn't tell me that he left with his friend of ten years, John, in the middle of the night, got a hotel room with him and then slept for thirteen hours. Initially I was so relieved to know he was okay. That was the longest we've ever gone without communication so I was really, really worried. I had never met John and didn't really know if I should be trusting of him from things Matt has shared with me about their conversations together, but Matt has never given me a reason to not trust him so I believe him when he tells me nothing weird is going on.

Now Matt is at John's house in Fulton, waiting for an opportune time to head to Meta, MO which is south of Jefferson City to go to Shannon's house. Shannon is Billy's (Matt's ex) sister.

This blog is supposed to be about me isn't it.

I'm fine, stressed, worried, anxious, and tired, but fine. I've been having some pretty trippy meditations lately. I think it's because of the new medicine I'm on for depression. It doesn't really seem to have any sort of noticeable effects yet, that stuff tends to take a while to start working though.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Somewhere Out There

Surely there is a star in our galaxy with a planet revolving around it much like ours but without all the crazy humans and nonsensical crap I'm growing tired of dealing with. I'd rather be there right now.

I remember this amazing mediation I had over a year ago. In this thought provoking state I envisioned myself creating three worlds around a distant star on the other side of the Milky Way. I knew what each of the worlds looked like, what the inhabitants of each planet looked like, how they acted and how they communicated. Two of the planets citizens were aware of each other and able to communicate and coexist as a dual society. The third planet's inhabitants weren't at a point in their evolution to be communicated with by the other two planets. I could go on but I choose not to right now. The point I'm trying to make in sharing this is that my brain is trying to find a way to deal with the stress I've created in my life. I've created a solar system I can escape to anytime I close my eyes. The only problem is I forgot where the star is.

I read an article today about a Harvard study that labels the city I live in as the 2nd most unhappy place in the country. At this particular moment in time, and in the significant point in my life I somewhat agree with the study. However, I know the power of a hug and a bit of empathy.

Life doesn't have to be so miserable and dramatic. But we humans tend to make it that way, don't we. Is it because we're all truly unhappy? Or is there some underlying force keeping us in the blissless state we seem to find ourselves in.

We should be happy. If for no other reason than the simple fact that we exist. We're here to exist. To have whatever our individual and unique experience is now and might end up being.

Be happy. Be.