Monday, August 4, 2014

More Stress

I still don't have a lease on the restaurant. It's starting to freak me out a little bit because it's taking way longer than I thought it would. However, I know that I won't get one until I finish what I need to get done with Winston. I know he will keep his word and give me the lease once I've finished his projects.

So, Matt is no longer staying at my family's house with me. The plan was for him to stay there with me until the restaurant was open and we found an apartment together downtown. The reason he's not there anymore is because he and my mom don't get along. They got into an argument, mainly because he was tired of hearing my mom yell at me about everything, but I get it, she was stressed out... Anyway, I brought him up to one of our mutual friends' houses in Bethany, MO about an hour away and he stayed there with her and her family for a week. It was really nice of her but towards the end of the week he could stay there anymore from a lack of sleep. He's got really bad allergies and be around too many pets for too long before his skin turns into one big rash and his sinuses swell from congestion. We had disused trying to get him to Mid-Missouri to spend some time with his family and his ex's family, which he was a part of for ten years, but we hadn't come up with an actual plan yet.

So yesterday I don't hear from him all day and initially thought he had just fallen asleep which made me happy, but when I didn't hear from him by three I text messaged Jaimee, our friend, and asked if they were all okay. She said she wasn't sure and hadn't heard from Matt yet and didn't know if they had made it there safely or not. ... Made it where safely? He didn't tell me that he left with his friend of ten years, John, in the middle of the night, got a hotel room with him and then slept for thirteen hours. Initially I was so relieved to know he was okay. That was the longest we've ever gone without communication so I was really, really worried. I had never met John and didn't really know if I should be trusting of him from things Matt has shared with me about their conversations together, but Matt has never given me a reason to not trust him so I believe him when he tells me nothing weird is going on.

Now Matt is at John's house in Fulton, waiting for an opportune time to head to Meta, MO which is south of Jefferson City to go to Shannon's house. Shannon is Billy's (Matt's ex) sister.

This blog is supposed to be about me isn't it.

I'm fine, stressed, worried, anxious, and tired, but fine. I've been having some pretty trippy meditations lately. I think it's because of the new medicine I'm on for depression. It doesn't really seem to have any sort of noticeable effects yet, that stuff tends to take a while to start working though.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Somewhere Out There

Surely there is a star in our galaxy with a planet revolving around it much like ours but without all the crazy humans and nonsensical crap I'm growing tired of dealing with. I'd rather be there right now.

I remember this amazing mediation I had over a year ago. In this thought provoking state I envisioned myself creating three worlds around a distant star on the other side of the Milky Way. I knew what each of the worlds looked like, what the inhabitants of each planet looked like, how they acted and how they communicated. Two of the planets citizens were aware of each other and able to communicate and coexist as a dual society. The third planet's inhabitants weren't at a point in their evolution to be communicated with by the other two planets. I could go on but I choose not to right now. The point I'm trying to make in sharing this is that my brain is trying to find a way to deal with the stress I've created in my life. I've created a solar system I can escape to anytime I close my eyes. The only problem is I forgot where the star is.

I read an article today about a Harvard study that labels the city I live in as the 2nd most unhappy place in the country. At this particular moment in time, and in the significant point in my life I somewhat agree with the study. However, I know the power of a hug and a bit of empathy.

Life doesn't have to be so miserable and dramatic. But we humans tend to make it that way, don't we. Is it because we're all truly unhappy? Or is there some underlying force keeping us in the blissless state we seem to find ourselves in.

We should be happy. If for no other reason than the simple fact that we exist. We're here to exist. To have whatever our individual and unique experience is now and might end up being.

Be happy. Be.